I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
