I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Randomize