There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
