I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize