but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
