Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
