I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
