Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Randomize
