you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
