Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
