Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
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