Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
