I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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