I murdered the dance floor call the cops
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize