Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
It was like giving head to a cactus.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
