i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
