Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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