Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
