I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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