wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
