I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
How does one acquire holy water?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Randomize
