Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
