what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
