he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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