if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
