I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
it's great music for shaving your balls
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Randomize
