Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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