But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Randomize
