Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
