im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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