there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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