I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
