I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Randomize
