all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
