Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
