All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
