i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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