3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
