then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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