I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
There are leaves in my underwear?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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