i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
please come you make the beer taste better
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
