no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
