I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
