Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Randomize
