Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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