just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
