I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
