I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
