Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
