his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
The air was thick with penises
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
