It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
