if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
