I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
