He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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