She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
