so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
