Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
