I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Randomize
