I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
