I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
